Things You Should Know About Me

My top lip is swollen (my lips swell when I am stressed out) (I know it’s weird) (No, I don’t know why) and today I look like a morose octopus with a tiny beak! 

Retail For Life

I picked up a second job when I was going through my divorce, and for two years I’ve worked at a big box retailer (rhymes with Mears) in the visuals/signing department. I like it the way that you might like watching someone else fight with her boyfriend. It’s funny because it doesn’t really matter to you…but if it did matter, your day would be ruined.

Anyway, because it’s not nearly my main source of income and because I have free reign of all the back areas, I take a particular delight in all the weird shit I see and find.

Gah!

Poor creepy baby doll in the trash.

Things You Should Know About Me

I once spent $300 on dead sea skincare products at a kiosk in Las Vegas because a) I was drunk and b) the kiosk man told me I looked old.

Also: I’m kind of obsessed with skincare and the little sister could always get me to drive her places / not tell on her if she told me I looked like Rose McGowan. Worked every single time. Well played, little sister.

Oh Really?

I’ve been trying to tell this story for a while – turns out all it took was a low grade fever and a few beers.

Daily Mabel

The amount of time I have known you + how much I have been drinking = how likely I am to tell you what my cat is doing while we are on the telephone.

 

Conversations With My Little Sister

With many apologies to my shift key.

 

Me: I kinda want a cigarette. Weird.

Little Sister: I just lit a cigarette. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Me: OH MY GOD. I AM TOTALLY IN YOUR HEAD.

Ten minutes later

Me: Heathers OnDemand? Yes, please.

Little Sister: I AM WATCHING HEATHERS RIGHT NOW.

Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Little Sister: I AM NOT LYING. VERONICA, YOU KNOW I’M ALWAYS RED.

Me: WE ARE THE SAME GODDAMN PERSON.

Little Sister: I AM ALSO WISHING I HAD A BEAN BURRITO.

Me: DAMN IT, ME TOO!

Little Sister: SHUT UP!  HOW ARE WE THE SAME PERSON?

Me: I DON’T KNOW BUT IT IS AWESOME AND SCARY.

Little Sister: THIS IS INSANE.

Me: Hey, we should see if we can get away with only one of us eating!

Little Sister: Okay, you take the first feeding schedule.

 

We had a banana and coffee for breakfast. I’m going to see her tomorrow, and it will be like coming home.

These Kids Are Wimps

In honor of my favorite five-year-old starting kindergarten today, here is one of my favorite kindermemories. And for the record, I am still this bad ass. Also, holy shit Michigan accent.

Things You Should Know About Me

For most of my childhood I fervently believed that I had been abducted by aliens at least once, because I was always waking up with my pajamas on backwards or other weird shit. Then when I got older, I heard about night terrors and I was all, ohhhhhhhhh I see.

Once, I managed to wedge myself between my sister’s twin bed and the wall. Then I woke up and lost my shit, and my Dad had to come get me out.

Conversations with My Little Sister

Snapped this pic of the sales chart at job 2.0:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and sent it to my little sister, naturally.

 

Me: For real?

Little Sister: Oh god!

Me: Does it strike you as a bit…anti-semitic?

Little Sister: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

 

Apologies to Jewly.  It isn’t your fault, I know.

Sister Mary Big Butt

I grew up in a predominantly Catholic  town, which affected my life in  two ways:

1. Fish sticks on Friday in the cafeteria

2. Shaking hands with strangers at weddings and saying, “Peace be with you.”

There was a nun who played piano at most weddings and my mother, God love her, called her Sister Mary Horse Face. You can imagine what she looked like. Sort of…equine. Played piano like an angel, though.

That nickname inspired my sisters and me to play a game we called Sister Mary Big Butt. My older sister would put on a big black skirt we had in the dress up box, and me (plus the little sister) would get inside of it and be her giant ass. We la la loved that game, guys.